The Divine Comedy

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

>From: *******
>To: "Monkey Man"
>Subject: Re:
>Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 15:43:42 -0700 (PDT)
>
>Im sorry, I was very busy today. Didnt get a chance to
>check my email until now, on my WAP phone. Can we
>arrange another time? Tomorrow (Wed) will be easier.
>You can trust me, I have told noone! From ******.
>
>__________________________________

Hi,

I was a little disappointed not to find my bananas yesterday, so I thought you may have been a hoaxer.

Okay, I will accept that you simply didn't check your emails, but I need to be sure - I must know that you are who you say you are. Do you see?

Okay then, same thing again. 12:00 noon precisely; box; THREE bananas; same place; no questions asked.

This is your last offer. Leave my bananas, then we'll talk.

O

luvly horse · Posted: Wed May 14, 2003 8:39 am Post subject:

you guys

DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN!

Brian Shelf · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 2861 Location: Possibly back

Can I just thank ccc for this thread once again for providing me with the biggest belly laughs and stretched-face incredulity all day long.

And to think I told you to 'fess up to the hacks several pages back.

luvly horse · Posted: Wed May 14, 2003 8:56 am Post subject:

yeah! shut it journo boy!!!!!

ps. what *does* a burst lorry laugh like?

Brian Shelf · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 2861 Location: Possibly back

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

From: "Monkey Man"
Sent: Tuesday, May 13, 2003
To: "BBC Radio Wales"
Subject: Interview with Mary Harris

Greetings The Welsh,

I listened with interest last night to the interview Sian Pari Huws gave with Mary Harris from The Kent & Sussex Courier.

I was intrigued to note that Sian thought I may actually derive from Wales.

I was in fact born 8km from Abergavenny in the mysterious shadow of The Blorenge. Hence the reason I wear orange.

Have you tasted the power of The Blorenge? And did you know that if you stand upon the clogwyn and look north from the Blorenge trig point you can see the Sugar Loaf Mynydd?

One day I shall return.

Regards,

O

From : "Mary Harris"
To : "Monkey Man
Subject : RE: FAO MARY HARRIS ***PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL***
Date : Wed, 14 May 2003 10:24:15 +0100

You even had to get in on my Welsh deal, didn't you!

They've sent me your email. Borenge - my god, couldn't you come up with something better.

I thought you said you didn't like publicity. Mmmmmm about as much as I don't, I'd say. Anyway the games up - O2 the phone company are trying to cash in - which is tedious - but then again you, with your all-seeing eye probably know that.

My editor said to draw media interviews to a close. So, I suggest
you just let me know who you are. And, by the way, it's been great doing
business with ya. Mary-not-Lois-anymore-Harris. X

Brian Shelf · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 2861 Location: Possibly back

Boo hoo - but I think she's toying with you - don't reveal your true ID.

Any bananas by the way?

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

No I'm not going to tell her. We've got the camera set up for the midday 'nana heist and I'll plop 'em up later for your eyes to see.

luvly horse · Posted: Wed May 14, 2003 10:53 am Post subject:

not in a good mood today is she?

/me suspects Marys on the blob

Brian Shelf · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 2861 Location: Possibly back

Geordie · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 1591 Location: The Toon

Tick tock........Yes, we have no bananas?

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

The mystery man dropped off our bananas! Teehee, I'm just going to upload them and black him out and they'll be duly plopped.

-----Original Message-----
From: "Monkey Man"
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 11:49 AM
To: "Mary Harris"
Subject: RE: FAO MARY HARRIS ***PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL***

Mary,

Oh Mary, Mary, quite contrary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Oh Mary.

It's not "Borenge", it's "Blorenge" you chump! Everyone knows that.

Now now you naughty little sausage, you know I cannot divulge my inner
podules quite yet. I must go now, I'm being fed ripe bananas by a colleague
of yours today.

O

From : "Mary Harris"
To : "Monkey Man"
Subject : RE: FAO MARY HARRIS ***PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL***
Date : Wed, 14 May 2003 11:55:21 +0100

YOU ARE CLARE GRANT - she's the only person I know who would say "chump".
Reply and give yerself up. Blorenge, Shmorenge - what's an 'l' between a
super hero and a reporter?

Gilderoy Lockheart · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 5518 Location: STONEYBRIDGE!

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

No, I think she got that information from us...ahem...

Gilderoy Lockheart · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 5518 Location: STONEYBRIDGE!

Brian Shelf · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 2861 Location: Possibly back

Brian Shelf · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 2861 Location: Possibly back

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

I don't think his next email will be very polite...

From : *******
To : "Monkey Man"
Subject : Re:
Date : Wed, 14 May 2003 04:05:56 -0700 (PDT)

I couldnt find a box in time so Ive used a carrier
bag. When can we meet?!

From : "Monkey Man"
To : ********
Subject : Re:

I specifically asked for a box, and you were a minute early. However I must commend you on your shoelace tying drop-bananas technique. Very cunning.

Meet me on the upper most northern clogwyn of The Blorenge and look north from the trig point.
You will see the Sugar Loaf Mynydd. I will be there on the 5th of the month of O.

If you have any problems locating it, speak to Mary Harris. For she has tasted the power of the Blorenge and revels in its energy reviving juice.

O

We're all to scared to go and get them...

Gilderoy Lockheart · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 5518 Location: STONEYBRIDGE!

I hope nobody thinks that bloke was a terrorist leaving a dirty bomb lying about. He could have been a bit more subtle...

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

Oh man alive, we were absolutely peeing our pants!

They're still there!
8O

Witch · Posted: Wed May 14, 2003 1:12 pm Post subject:

Tell Matt of the Tiger's Beard to get his cozzie on and pick them up!

unremarkable · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 651 Location: London, England.

I am laughing!

Eee, you should've asked him to drop them in the train station. He'd've been arrested!

Brian Shelf · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 2861 Location: Possibly back

*Falls off chair as an act of great appreciation and not as a result of shotting himself*

Don't touch them - call the police from a phone box and say you've seen the men acting suspiciously and leaving a bag lying around.

Actually, no don't.

But don't get the bag!

Gilderoy Lockheart · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 5518 Location: STONEYBRIDGE!

Maybe you should call a decent British Bobby to pick them up, claiming someone dropped them, and then provide him with the man's description. Or, if anyone has a disposable elderly relative, give them a ring and ask them to pop by and see if they pick it up.

unremarkable · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 651 Location: London, England.

"But officer, the monkey man told me to do it!"

Gilderoy Lockheart · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 5518 Location: STONEYBRIDGE!

Alternatively, you could give the policeman a description of the policeman himself, and see if he notices...

Geordie · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 1591 Location: The Toon

Does Mary know of the banana delivery man? He seems to be muscling in on her story!

PS. Careful if you do pick the bananas up, they may contain some sort of homing device! Wink

Lilypod · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 1413

Rowan Morrison · Posted: Wed May 14, 2003 2:07 pm Post subject:

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

Helen · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 152 Location: Oxford

Ooh, narky!

Lodestone · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 627 Location: Your place or mine

Oh genius Chris, can you find otu where Mary lives? I think you should dress in the suit, go to her doorstep, leave a bunch of flowers, ring the bell and scarper, so that she sees you in your magnificence, cloak billowing, running down the street :-D

agentcooper · Joined: 12 May 2003 Posts: 42

Those banana pics have made my day - my week, even. Brilliant.

rachel2205 · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 724 Location: UK

I love Lodestone's idea. Or you could leave Milk Tray.

C'mon, Monkeyman in a new run of "because the lady loves..." would be great!

chrischrischris · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 781

>-----Original Message-----
>From: "Monkey Man"
>Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 2:35 PM
>To: "Mary Harris"
>Subject: RE: FAO MARY HARRIS ***PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL***
>
>
>Mary,
>
>Oh Mary.
>
>All wrong I am afraid.
>
>However, you may wish to talk to Mr ***** re: The Blorenge. I gather he is
>visiting no the 5th of the month of O.
>
>O

>From: "Mary Harris"
>To: "Monkey Man"
>Subject: RE: FAO MARY HARRIS ***PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL***
>Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 16:55:36 +0100
>
>I just asked **** ***** about Blorenge and he laughed uncontrollably. I
>reckon you are TIM ******. When I asked him if it was Tim, he really tried
>not to laugh. The games up Timbo.

Mary,

Oh Mary.

Wrong again.

I do not work for your paper. Please inform Mr ***** that our meeting at The Blorenge has now been cancelled as his bananas were not quite ripe enough for my sensitive tastebuds.

O

luvly horse · Posted: Wed May 14, 2003 6:16 pm Post subject:

words fail me - they really do! (even grumpy old s**t face is laughing at this lot which is good coz he doesnt take his mood out on me then)

Very Happy

The Hatstand · Joined: 09 May 2003 Posts: 15 Location: is everything

OMG! After a successful but laugh-free day, this has given me the lift to get through the evening. Well, that and a bottle of Merlot. Fantastic pictures. Just fantastic.

StickFigureNinja · Joined: 21 Nov 2002 Posts: 3973 Location: on the corner.

CHRIS! You and your mates really are great, you know that.

Lilypod · Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 1413