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The up side of my job / Monkey Man!
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2003 12:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tum te tum

Last edited by chrischrischris on Thu May 08, 2003 6:51 pm; edited 2 times in total
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www.tom



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 481
Location: North.

PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2003 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smashing CCC - have you every considered running through the streets naked singing 'tum te tum'?

How IS Guido - can we have some pics of the happy cat?


Last edited by www.tom on Sat May 10, 2003 1:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2003 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't be silly Tom, that would be very naughty.

However, we've had a successful week emailing our local paper, The Courier.

Last week I sent a letter (aka Nancy Bellis) to the letters page, which they very kindly printed - see below - and so we came up with the following idea:

We would write a number of complaints regarding Nancy's controversial opinions with a view to seeing how many different varients of the phrase "to have a poo" would actually get published (I think we overdid it on the "relieve their bowels" phrase - but we'll do better next week)

Thankfully, they all got printed. Have a look, oh-go-on-you-know-you-want-to:

Kent & Sussex Courier 28/02/03
Howard Thompson claimed dog faeces curtailed the enjoyment of walkers on Tunbridge Wells Common (Courier, February 21)
I am sick to death of complainers like Howard. I suspect he doesn't even own a dog and I'm sure he doesn't appreciate how difficult it is to control a hound's bowels in the environs.

I used to carry a poop-scoop, but found them to be totally impractical to carry and use.

Anyway the faeces is good for the earth.

It's moaning minnies like him who tread in and spread the mess for everyone else to slip in.

Dogs have as much right as humans to use the common.

Nancy Bellis,
Queens Road
Tunbridge Wells




Courier 07/03/03 - below

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0VgDeAlAb6L8Juc6cUGBTRPIG!UymPU0gxV8Zzz2t2ZrHowY2tDi8taFu7AtTzFe6htS0ebKu4GYlHWBolSCgmiVXvjSnIn6c*b2g77j!iAzNhJgRwNiTRIEnVxQPjfxk/PAPERopt.gif?dc=4675412529164150013


Last edited by chrischrischris on Thu May 08, 2003 6:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Lodestone



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 627
Location: Your place or mine

PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2003 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*applauds*
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Brian Shelf



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 2861
Location: Possibly back

PostPosted: Sat Mar 08, 2003 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent effort.

Although, after working for years in a local newspapers, I feel I would have spotted some of the letters as fakes becuase they contain no slightly racist undertones.

Try adding "since this neighbourhood went downhill" as a phrase wherever possible.
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2003 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, it seems that our letters in the Courier have opened a can of worms about dog s**t and the right of dogs use the Common of Tunbridge Wells and the environs.

I make no apologies for that.

http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0WQAAALgc3Tm2NBHEx4mBZ79aG2U5dlsniAPXHuLA29vd1TSHmayeGKVFAo48zgvUG!2oQQd43Zo70juGLN880lTEYTOo22kTfpR6szhfliN!tqboTnhNBlPdCtNTWIENMEtCJoLTtBg/paper2-copy.gif?dc=4675413475217428254

(Ps - if anyone knows more terms for dog s**t, please let me know)


Last edited by chrischrischris on Fri May 09, 2003 11:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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If...



Joined: 11 Dec 2002
Posts: 1206
Location: The Land Of Devil May Care

PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2003 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're a flippin' genius! And it's the area where I grew up too! I shall have to ask my father if he's had that issue dropped through his door...

You star! What with this and the Disturbing Auctions (thanks Brian) I've had a day chock-full of helpless laughter!

P.S. I don't think that you've used the "excreta" enough. It's a lovely word to roll around the tongue...
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Brian Shelf



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 2861
Location: Possibly back

PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2003 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

chrischrischris wrote:
(Ps - if anyone knows more terms for dog s**t, please let me know)


Exceptional effort - keep up the good work.

Here are some suggestions of terms/phrases:

Canine filth,
Brown bombs,
Mutt mess,
Stink mine,
Puppy plop,
Dog log,
"Empties it's bottom"
"Unloads"
"Leaves an unpleasant present"

I'll probably think of more, however ludicrous.

PS - As a new challenge I would like to see if you can slip in as many reference to this bulletin board as possible in one of your letters.
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2003 1:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I accept your challenge!

"Woodshed monster" should be quite easy to slip in as a reference.
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2003 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

More letters in today's Courier.

I'm a bit disappointed they edited out the phrase "expelled from a dog's anus" and also our references to burning dog turds.

Other than that, I'm more than happy.

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Victoria



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 292
Location: Sheffield

PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2003 2:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'odd jobs' - as in 'we call our dog carpenter because he does odd jobs around the house'.

edit: in danger of getting fired for laughing too much - truly inspiring, ccc.
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Brian Shelf



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 2861
Location: Possibly back

PostPosted: Fri Mar 21, 2003 2:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You sir, YES you sir aer a genius of the highest order.

I am off to buy a hat purely for the purposes of removal.
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2003 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Doubt if this one will work - but today we sent three letters to the Courier about a mysterious superhero who keeps descending from trees in and around Tunbridge Wells, dressed as a monkey and wearing a cape and mask.

We've given him no superpowers, so he just does menial tasks like picking up litter and helping old ladies across the road. And one, where he walks someone home from the pub.

The letters are all along the theme of, "I'd just like to say thank you to the gentleman in the monkey suit, cape and mask who found my watch" etc etc.

We've planned the whole story and tigerbeard Matt is even going to make a costume so we can send in some photos. The idea, eventually, is to create a whole team of superheros and an evil arch nemisis.

I'll plop it up here next Friday - if they print it...
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jon-senior



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 341
Location: Winchester

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2003 11:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wish this sort of thing had been in the courier when i lived in Tunbridge Wells properly - i always made a point of reading the letters pages, as they were generally entertaining, but this is class.

one day, please collect and publish all your material.
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Lilypod



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 1431

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2003 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

chrischrischris wrote:
We've planned the whole story and tigerbeard Matt is even going to make a costume so we can send in some photos.


I think you should take Guido to a park, plop him up a tree, and then photograph super-monkey Matt climbing up to rescue him.*

*This post takes no responsibility for any injuries sustained by humans or animals, in an attempt at the above.
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unremarkable



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 651
Location: London, England.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2003 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And, CCC, your image is the most huge of all, giving me really huge scrollbars. I sentence you to ten years of...no chocolate cake.
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2003 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Tunbridge Wells Superhero Update*

Ellen at work received an email today from The Courier saying:

Hello Ellen,

Most interested in your experience on Bank Holiday Monday. We have had another letter from a Peter Norfolk, also speaking of a hooded hero.
Would you be kind enough to ring me on 01892 ****** because we are obviously interested in running a story.

Regards,

Mary Harris
Kent and Sussex Courier



Anyway, Ellen bottled it, so office chump Rachel made the call on her behalf and I must say she was excellent.

The woman from the Courier was enthralled, saying how amazing it was that this superhero had descended from a building by rope and saved Mr Norfolk from a group of thugs and a certain beating.

Rachel then went on to say that she guessed the superhero was in his late twenties, because of his height (?) but that it was difficult to tell as he was wearing a mask.

I truly hope this reporter's editor is on holiday...
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Guest






PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2003 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile
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StickFigureNinja



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 3975
Location: on the corner.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2003 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My god man!
Does your genius know no boundries?
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Brian Shelf



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 2861
Location: Possibly back

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2003 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

chrischrischris wrote:

A small fragment of genius


He hee!
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airboy paul



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 3084
Location: londinium

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2003 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, it is indeed brilliant! hopefully it'll get in the paper, maybe with an artist's impression of what he looks like? Very Happy i don't think i could talk on the phone to them without cracking up. hmmm, maybe i could cope, but i just couldn't be in the same room as anyone else as that'd surely make me laugh.
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2003 10:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

airboy paul wrote:
wow, it is indeed brilliant! hopefully it'll get in the paper, maybe with an artist's impression of what he looks like? Very Happy i don't think i could talk on the phone to them without cracking up. hmmm, maybe i could cope, but i just couldn't be in the same room as anyone else as that'd surely make me laugh.

Way ahead of you airboy...we've just faxed this...
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airboy paul



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 3084
Location: londinium

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2003 10:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

woo-yay! Laughing looks great, but surely that'll look like a mickey take? surely that picture would make them doubt the story? it looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, but with a cape covering his shell Smile
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mattsenior



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 50
Location: Winchester, Hampshire

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2003 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Searches house desperately for back-issues of the courier*
Sadly our meagre collection does not go back far enough.

I will check all up and coming issues for news of this exciting local caped crusader!
CCC - thank you. We are all in your debt.
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Lilypod



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 1431

PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2003 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

chrischrischris wrote:
I truly hope this reporter's editor is on holiday...




Note to self: Do not browse this thread whilst at work, because making a honking seal-like noise may cause surprise amongst workmates...
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The Booklover



Joined: 07 Apr 2003
Posts: 40
Location: Soaked through the lobby, squelching up to the landing

PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2003 11:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This thread is indeed a classic! Keep it up guys!

I was reminded of the time several years ago when I used to work in an Analytical Chemistry lab. One of the pieces of equipment which had to be calibrated daily was a Dionex Ion Chromatography column. When calibrating it, you had to fill in a form with things like weights of reagents used to make up stock solutions etc. At the bottom of the form was a box labeled "Comments" It became traditional to fill this in with a report of what the weather was like while performing this mind numbingly simple task.

It became a daily ritual to be looked forward to.


The newspaper cuttings remind me of that august online publication The Framley Examiner...

It runs stories like "Local community starts petition to stop planning application for a new sub-Post Office" Etc...
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Brian Shelf



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 2861
Location: Possibly back

PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2003 11:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Booklover wrote:
It runs stories like "Local community starts petition to stop planning application for a new sub-Post Office" Etc...


My favourite genuine headline is from a paper in Taunton which read

"Rabbit dies in arson attack"
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The Booklover



Joined: 07 Apr 2003
Posts: 40
Location: Soaked through the lobby, squelching up to the landing

PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2003 12:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The small ads in TFE are great too.

Eg.

Prostitute. Unwanted gift £120 (1 hour only)

Will do ****


Or.


For sale.

Title deeds to Northumberland avenue £350, Liverpool Street Station £250, Mayfair £400.

Call Vince on XXXX XXX XXX

No funny money

Or.

Rainbow for hire. Ideal for children's parties, Church Fetes, Sky £350/day or snowman.
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 9:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tee hee...


Last edited by chrischrischris on Fri May 02, 2003 11:50 am; edited 2 times in total
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Flip



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 1048
Location: The Emerald City

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 9:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

UN-BE-LIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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unremarkable



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 651
Location: London, England.

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 9:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, well done!
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PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 10:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aaaaaaaah!

Smile
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Brian Shelf



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 2861
Location: Possibly back

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't often swear but you are a good-darn mo-foing genius.
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Rowan Morrison



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 1330
Location: Wigan Casino. Keeping the faith.

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 10:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote



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unremarkable



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 651
Location: London, England.

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 11:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(font-spotters will note that the ad in the left bottom corner uses "Vivaldi", the same font I used on Indulgence*)

*(the number one DC website, now at http://www.unremarkable.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/indulgence/ )
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 11:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wooyay.

It seems the copy I scanned was the Crowborough edition. We've just bought the T Wells edition and we're also on the front page!!

As well as that, the article on page 3 points to an additional 'editor's comment' - ahem...

Caped Crusader

We are not immune - indeed, we are prone - to our fair share of crank letters.

So when an epistle arrived praising the heroics of a masked man on the Pantiles who came to the aid of the folk who had encountered trouble on that paradise of perambulation - we started reaching for the file marked "B" for barking.

But then another letter followed. And another. The sightings, it seems, were corroborated - and lauded.

Like a scene out of Batman - or Only Fools and Horses - this charitable champion apparently saw off troublemakers, returned a purse and generally brought harmony where there was discord.

No-one has yet laid claim to being that man - but then again Batman didn't wear a Bruce Wayne name tag on his singlet.

He was dressed in brown with an O on his chest - unless that was just a hole in his tunic - and he came and went like a speeding bullet.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Somewhere in a secret lair below Tunbridge Wells Common, he lurks, a satisfied smile upon his face at a day's work well done.

Here at the newspaper we, too, feel the need to don a new identity. Set aside the Kent and Sussex Courier for one week - this is the Daily Planet.


I'm doing no work whatsoever today and Ellen is running round the office screaming that she is now officially a page 3 girl.

Razz
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JC



Joined: 29 Nov 2002
Posts: 80
Location: Paris

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 11:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent!!
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Rowan Morrison



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 1330
Location: Wigan Casino. Keeping the faith.

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 11:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you're gonna have to make this 'Monkey Man' costume, dress up in it and get some photos of him in trees and what not. You may even make the nationals.

Wow! We've got our very own superhero.
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Helen



Joined: 21 Nov 2002
Posts: 152
Location: Oxford

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote



Funniest thing I have ever seen... ever.

Very Happy
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chrischrischris



Joined: 22 Nov 2002
Posts: 828

PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2003 11:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rowan Morrison wrote:
I think you're gonna have to make this 'Monkey Man' costume, dress up in it and get some photos of him in trees and what not. You may even make the nationals.

Wow! We've got our very own superhero.


Yepo! Tigerbeard Matt is going to make one - now the Courier have given us a better idea of what he looks like. Then we'll get drunk one lunchtime, introduce him to the town centre and take some photos.

For now we're going to continue with the letters and emails.

He must live!
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